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im so fucking down, everything is getting worse, i cant cope. i really cant, Alestor is talking more, i saw his eye again earlyer. he tells me what everyones thinking about me, he knows a lot, about how everyone is 2 faced, they act like they think im a nice person when i really know they hate me and are trying get close to manipulate me.some of them even read my thaughts and try to not look at me in disgust as i can think some nasty things. alestor tells me how if i die ill be rid of him as his job will be done and how ill find happyness. and i get so close to actully doing it it scares me. im frightend of death, for fucks sake its non reversable. if i had a wish i wouldnt wish to be dead, id wish that i was never born, i mean come on im nothing but a fat ugly twat who everyone hates, they like the idea of me i mean if i died they would be upset because they have lost the idea of there fantasy of what i am, but im not there fantasy. i just want it all to end.

i think im getting a bit worse again,my mood is always either angry or depressed, im tierd all the time and i keep having thaughts of suicide, and then a fear of death when i get so close to doing something. i cant tell ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME cus it will make it worse, its so hard i mean if i told heather then id just upset her, my mom would just think i was looking for attention, my nan wouldnt give 2 fucks, my sister well last time i said anything about how i feel she reported it to my mom, which led to me being put into hospital.

i feel so alone, i love my girlfriend dearly, when im with her i actully fell a bit better untill the paranoia kicks in ( i start thinking that shes bored of me, and that she is with me because she dosnt want me to be upset, and out of desperation. it makes me feel so low when this happens because id hate for someone to go out with me through pity.

when im with her at my house when my mom goes swimming i keep trying it on, i mean she dosnt wanna do anything except kiss which is fine and i wouldnt trade that for all the sex in the world but i get horny and forget that i shouldnt ask and wait for her to tell me. im such a fuck.

i really cant stand life anymore i have no way of coping as i chucked all my razors so i cant releave my self, i get LOTS of thaughts of self harm, i havent cut for about 8 months, but i need it again. i come so close to suicide but i allways chicken out, i dont have a problem saying im scared of death most of the time, but i do sometimes not feel scared anymore and i couldnt give a fuck, luckyly ive never felt suicideal when i get like this, im so scared of that.

i often think about how happy people would be if i werent born, i mean they wouldnt have to lose the fantasy of me as i wouldnt have been there as a subject for them to mold. i think how happy my sister would be, how much better off my mom would be, how my nan wouldnt be constantly disapointed, my uncle would be more outgoing and every one would be happyer.

i do try to change, i try so hard. i mean i try not to be a prick then people think im up to something. if i act happy ( i try this one alot) people eather think i need something or im planning something. so much happens that i cant control.

what makes it worse is that everyone i know is smart and hasnt ever done so many stupid things that wreks the head, i was doing weed at the age of 12, between being 12-13 i was drinking like 6 beers and a couple of glasses (well mugs couldnt aford glasses)vodka and pepsi, and im fucking stupid i was the only person i know not to get enough gcse's to do As levels so i had to enroll on a shitty litle course for people who didnt get good grades, even my moms friends son could do As levels but the twat desided to say fuk of to colege and flip burgers in stead, i mean if i had his results i could litterally do anything i wanted im so fucking angry and jelouse of it.

who wants to live to be 80, watching youre old friends die like flys. And to weak to move about much, cant enjoy life, laying on a old couch asleep. All of the precious memorys melting into the void, forever. while you reverse back into an adult version of a toddler, becoming incontanent and unable to nurse you self, while watching the end of the world

i cant really think straight todoay, im pissed off, im down and im finding college hard, i can barely cope with it. i mean im soo down and i have to tell the in class support that im tired when really im depressed, because i need to seem as if i can cope on this course so i can finish and get the qualifications and money. i mean i love the lessions but i cant cope with it all. its starting to show a little now as i shouted at this really nice lady when she tried to help me,then refused to do any work and said it was because i was tired, but i get allowances to be emotional as im scitzophrenic, deppresed and i have asperguess i bet ive spelt all of them wrong, {but i have four tablets in the morning 6 at night, basically its clozaril and prozac at diffrent doses.} i just wish i could tell someone its to hard to cope atm, but if i do they might kick me out of college as it might be 'the wrong place' for me. i just wouldnt be able to get out of bed if i didnt have college. i mean i wont be able to get a job because i wouldnt be able handel the new people in and out of a shop/warehouse/ any where were they will hire someone with only gcse's, over and over. i just dont know what to do, im scarred incase i make things worse, as the ladies that look after me i college just think im tired, when im really depressed or struggling with the voices and paranoia. i really find it hard, i keep finding myself trying to pull sickies and scive off college, its really upsetting me. i cant cope in college as well as i should be able to, even with my mental health problems. i need to think of what to do........ i might talk about it to my cpn (comunity psycheatric nurse) when he comes to my house tommorow. i hope i can sort it out, if i cant ill have lost what i really need and want. i really rely on this course to keep me from staying in bed allday. i hate this .... for fucks sake i best not get kicked off the course, if i do im fucked. i dont know what ill do if i get the boot, i cant cope properly. i will have to tell my cpn about this. i so fucking scared.

im feeling down, i mean really down. ive been cotemplating suicide more and more. i dont want to go back to hospital, i mean ive just got out. I feel that the voices are less, but my mood is changing again, i feel soooo down, and i feel so worthless, its hard to explain, i mean i know people get me what i want, but they do it either because they feel really guilty that theres no real emotion towards me, they dont hate me, they just dont like/love me. and for putting me in a dulldrum, they buy me what i want. its just meaningless guilt. i dont want for them to be like this, i just wish i had what they have. they have the real emotions, i mean when my nan looks at my uncle,my mom and my sister she kinda seems happy, but when its me its just not there, and sometimes its just a look of sheer disapointment. when my uncle talks to me, he seems like hed rather be on his own, he never starts to talk to me, i have to just wait for an opening in a convosation, {even then im usually talked over} and they reply with one word. i remember a few mobths back, we all whent to the pub for a meal. i said literally 6 words, they were 'hi' 'thanks for the meal' 'bye'. but enough on that shit ill have loadsa self pittying shit on this blog. so im ending this short, if you read these articles, im gonna have a lot of sad stuff to say, even wierd things about me and my past and my future, and sometimes a bit of school work. bye